I believe, so I am.

“You are what you believe yourself to be.” – Paulo Coelho.

I honestly love this man. There is something about what he writes that always strikes a chord with me. I feel as though he were speaking directly to me. And though I haven’t usually taken his words of wisdom to reach a higher plane in life I have found comfort in knowing that my emotions and thoughts had a genesis I can understand and appreciate.

The quote I mention however, seems to have found me at a good time. I have read quotes of this nature before, of course, but I haven’t actively tried to really understand the possibility that it provides. I also neglected the fact that barely knowing that something is possible doesn’t make it so. Every matter of consequence in life is derived from an assertive action, if not yours, surely someone else’s.

So apparently, I am what I believe I am. But what do I believe I am? I have a fair idea of my perception of myself but there are gaps that I do not understand, or that I haven’t explored. So the first order of business tonight is to find the missing pieces, and complete the picture. But that I believe is best done in the confines of my mind palace.

What instead would be a wonderful way to spend my time is to find the person I want to believe I am. Now isn’t that exciting? The best part is it opens up a world of avenues and arenas that I have either considered and discarded, considered but deemed unattainable or not considered at all.

What will I be when I am the person I will believe myself to be tomorrow? Will I be kind? Yes, I think so. Will I be true to my words? Certainly. Will I be uncompromising on what I earnestly feel is right? You bet. Will I apologize when I regret an action? Yes. Will I be forgiving? Yes, but only once. Will I remain fiercely independent, and unapologetic for it? Absolutely. Will I be there for the people I care about even though it is much easier to let inertia keep you from taking action? I will. Will I reach out for help when I am unable to solve a problem, big or small? When I have exhausted my own abilities and I trust my helper. Will I stop judging people on standards I have conjured from the depths of my convoluted mind? Nope, but I will keep them to myself. Will I be the person that smiles freely or the one who is surrounded by a cloud of indifference? This is difficult to say, but I will keep a check on the indifference. Will I keep score? I will try not to, even though I love to win. Will I continue using sarcasm as a means to appreciate the irony we come across in life even though it might be less than acceptable to other people? I am afraid so. Will contributing to the world and being inspired to create always be my top priority? Yes, and I will try not to forget it. Will I continue to believe in love, despite the inevitable heartbreak? A resounding yes. And will I always have hope and faith? Of course.

I know there are multiple layers to an individual’s persona, and the attributes I envision for myself don’t quite make it whole. But I think it provides the core to build on. The gaps still remain, the picture still unfinished, but I like to think of them as opportunity to grow and add to my arsenal the new things I learn about the world, people and myself every day. I get to paint, erase, and repaint my idea of myself. It is a fascinating process.

In the moment of stillness

April 04, 2014
(Because dates are important)

I have pondered over this a hundred times. I felt like there was something I had to say, but I did not quite know what that was. I am not any closer to knowing it still, but finally I feel so smothered by what’s inside me, that I believed whether it made sense or not I had to get it out.

So, love. Being the pseudo-intellectual former Goth that I am, this is one of those arbitrary mysteries of life that I have thought about often. As I coursed my way through life, I have met Love various times, either as an impostor, a fleeting encounter, a painful friendship, or as real and beautiful as it is supposed to be. Love was different each time, and what I thought of it was different too. But what was same is that Love didn't stay, but also that every time I got close to it, I discovered something I didn't know before. 

Love has taught me a lot. The most important of those lessons was that just because it doesn't stay, it doesn't make the love that was, any less real. And this is a revelation that has given meaning to experiences I could have easily tossed aside as a phase. It makes all the times that I was fortunate enough to feel Love, true, even though I ceased to feel it in due course of time. It strengthens my connection with my own emotions.

I started out saying I wasn't sure where I was going with it. And I’m still looking to find my way. And the journey has elicited emotions that I didn't think possible. I have discovered over the years that I can change, that I let myself be morphed in to a person who has characteristics of what I despise and what I am inspired by. I have learnt that not all my views are always right and that I am fallible. I struggle with this every day, changing from a fifteen year old that thought that professing love made you weak and vulnerable to my present self that knows that love is worth it. And I can only say this in hindsight, because love though otherworldly when right, is very unpleasant when gone wrong. I have alternated between these highs and lows various times and but the moments of stillness in between always makes me yearn for them.

For a long time, I wanted love to be exciting, filled with the drama brought to life in any good work of art. And I am grateful that I have known that kind of love. But now, I think I could do with the boring love for a change. The love that is a silent companion, that you can depend on, that is so ingrained in your soul that an alternative is unthinkable. The love that stays.