I believe, so I am.

“You are what you believe yourself to be.” – Paulo Coelho.

I honestly love this man. There is something about what he writes that always strikes a chord with me. I feel as though he were speaking directly to me. And though I haven’t usually taken his words of wisdom to reach a higher plane in life I have found comfort in knowing that my emotions and thoughts had a genesis I can understand and appreciate.

The quote I mention however, seems to have found me at a good time. I have read quotes of this nature before, of course, but I haven’t actively tried to really understand the possibility that it provides. I also neglected the fact that barely knowing that something is possible doesn’t make it so. Every matter of consequence in life is derived from an assertive action, if not yours, surely someone else’s.

So apparently, I am what I believe I am. But what do I believe I am? I have a fair idea of my perception of myself but there are gaps that I do not understand, or that I haven’t explored. So the first order of business tonight is to find the missing pieces, and complete the picture. But that I believe is best done in the confines of my mind palace.

What instead would be a wonderful way to spend my time is to find the person I want to believe I am. Now isn’t that exciting? The best part is it opens up a world of avenues and arenas that I have either considered and discarded, considered but deemed unattainable or not considered at all.

What will I be when I am the person I will believe myself to be tomorrow? Will I be kind? Yes, I think so. Will I be true to my words? Certainly. Will I be uncompromising on what I earnestly feel is right? You bet. Will I apologize when I regret an action? Yes. Will I be forgiving? Yes, but only once. Will I remain fiercely independent, and unapologetic for it? Absolutely. Will I be there for the people I care about even though it is much easier to let inertia keep you from taking action? I will. Will I reach out for help when I am unable to solve a problem, big or small? When I have exhausted my own abilities and I trust my helper. Will I stop judging people on standards I have conjured from the depths of my convoluted mind? Nope, but I will keep them to myself. Will I be the person that smiles freely or the one who is surrounded by a cloud of indifference? This is difficult to say, but I will keep a check on the indifference. Will I keep score? I will try not to, even though I love to win. Will I continue using sarcasm as a means to appreciate the irony we come across in life even though it might be less than acceptable to other people? I am afraid so. Will contributing to the world and being inspired to create always be my top priority? Yes, and I will try not to forget it. Will I continue to believe in love, despite the inevitable heartbreak? A resounding yes. And will I always have hope and faith? Of course.

I know there are multiple layers to an individual’s persona, and the attributes I envision for myself don’t quite make it whole. But I think it provides the core to build on. The gaps still remain, the picture still unfinished, but I like to think of them as opportunity to grow and add to my arsenal the new things I learn about the world, people and myself every day. I get to paint, erase, and repaint my idea of myself. It is a fascinating process.

In the moment of stillness

April 04, 2014
(Because dates are important)

I have pondered over this a hundred times. I felt like there was something I had to say, but I did not quite know what that was. I am not any closer to knowing it still, but finally I feel so smothered by what’s inside me, that I believed whether it made sense or not I had to get it out.

So, love. Being the pseudo-intellectual former Goth that I am, this is one of those arbitrary mysteries of life that I have thought about often. As I coursed my way through life, I have met Love various times, either as an impostor, a fleeting encounter, a painful friendship, or as real and beautiful as it is supposed to be. Love was different each time, and what I thought of it was different too. But what was same is that Love didn't stay, but also that every time I got close to it, I discovered something I didn't know before. 

Love has taught me a lot. The most important of those lessons was that just because it doesn't stay, it doesn't make the love that was, any less real. And this is a revelation that has given meaning to experiences I could have easily tossed aside as a phase. It makes all the times that I was fortunate enough to feel Love, true, even though I ceased to feel it in due course of time. It strengthens my connection with my own emotions.

I started out saying I wasn't sure where I was going with it. And I’m still looking to find my way. And the journey has elicited emotions that I didn't think possible. I have discovered over the years that I can change, that I let myself be morphed in to a person who has characteristics of what I despise and what I am inspired by. I have learnt that not all my views are always right and that I am fallible. I struggle with this every day, changing from a fifteen year old that thought that professing love made you weak and vulnerable to my present self that knows that love is worth it. And I can only say this in hindsight, because love though otherworldly when right, is very unpleasant when gone wrong. I have alternated between these highs and lows various times and but the moments of stillness in between always makes me yearn for them.

For a long time, I wanted love to be exciting, filled with the drama brought to life in any good work of art. And I am grateful that I have known that kind of love. But now, I think I could do with the boring love for a change. The love that is a silent companion, that you can depend on, that is so ingrained in your soul that an alternative is unthinkable. The love that stays.

The incorruptible dream

I saw a beautiful movie today. What made it even more special was that it was based on one of the most beautifully written books.

The Great Gatsby.

It made me suddenly see clearly a notion, an idea that I was struggling with but didn't quite grasp. Its the catch-22 of love.

The kind of love that builds and grows to be so large you can barely contain it, almost always has a flaw. Its too grand. It is built with so much passion that the line between the illusion and the reality is blurred and nothing, however exceptional ever matches up to it.
And also, it is almost always devoted to someone who doesn't deserve it, who isn't even a fraction of what they are in your perfect imagination.
But you are oblivious. Your love takes a dream like quality. A dream that now thrives on its own accord and is so powerful that it is incorruptible. Its terrifying. Its beautiful.

Closure, or the attempt to get there.

As more and more people seem to find some sort of solace in pouring their hearts out in the very public formats of facebook statuses, twitter feeds and blog posts, I seem to find this more and more intrusive. Maybe I am closing up too much, but whatever be the case, I shall find my peace in just copying here a quote by Bob Marley. It is, in simple terms, beautiful. And having felt the kind of emotions talked about in it, or at least having imagined so, I would like to keep a record of it here. Just in case many years down the line, when memories of this relation begin to fade, I can look back and try to feel what I had felt then.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 
― Bob Marley

“I’ve met a man and fallen in love with him. I allowed myself to fall in love for one simple reason: I’m not expecting anything to come of it. I know that, in three months’ time, I’ll be far away and he’ll be just a memory, but I couldn’t stand living without love any longer; I had reached my limit…
Generally speaking, these meetings occur when we reach a limit, when we need to die and be reborn emotionally. These meeting are waiting for us, but more often than not, we avoid them happening. If we are desperate, though, if we have nothing to lose, or if we are full of enthusiasm for life, then the unknown reveals itself, and our universe changes directions.”

Just an excerpt from a book by Paulo Coelho- Eleven minutes. But one that's been playing on my mind more than it should and makes more sense than it could.

As more time goes by.

Yet another semester comes almost to an end. And with it come the compres. And invariably I’m at my emotive best during such trying times.

Nonetheless, this is not just the end of any semester. This is the semester when I complete my so called Core Disciplinary Courses. How much I learnt from them is debatable of course, but I’d like to think I am a little wiser and knowledgeable in all things medicinal at the end of it.

However, pondering over my academic achievements (or lack thereof) was not the intention with which I originally began this post. It’s the startling revelation that I had completely overlooked for a really long time.

I spent most of my introspective moments judging myself on the grounds of individuality, confidence and plain old arrogance. All of them rating exceptionally high on my list of must have attributes. Being one with the crowd, being nice and accommodating so people tend to like you, these qualities have always ranked rather low. I saw them as being weak and ordinary. And I hated ordinary.

But my desire to be different, bold and outrageously so was so all consuming I neglected certain crucial nuances of life. One of them being that it feels nice to be liked by people. And that it doesn’t necessarily mean being ordinary. In fact often it is far removed from it.

As we bid adieu to another set of seniors I have come to realise that my train of thought had been rather narrow. Sure, I wouldn’t trade my individuality for anything in the world, but I wish I had spent my last three years in college being more than that. I wish I had a tangible cause that I would be more important than other priorities; that I had been a better friend; that I had taken an initiative to really know people, intelligent, interesting, nice or even those I had deemed insignificant after a conversation.

In the end with just one more semester to go, you just wish that in your unique little (or big) way, you have a made an impact and a lasting impression.

Random pseudo-‘psenti’ rant.

The perfect ending.

"Life is not perfect; it never will be. You just have to make the very best of it and you have to open your heart to what the world can show you. Sometimes its terrifying and sometimes its incredibly beautiful."

Random quote off the internet. There seem to be a lot many of them around. Some that make tremendous sense. Some others that leave you with that hanging feeling that you would get if a guy had you really turned on and then just left. The quote above is not too different. In the sense that it could mean something, it could lead you to a higher plane of understanding but then it abruptly stops without making any sense at all. Without really clarifying the end. And its just annoying.

It is possible the very function of it was not to give you the end but the means to get there. But that just doesn't matter. You still don't know how to cope. You still struggle to get to the point of solace that you so desperately want to reach. But its a tad difficult when there's a part of you that possibly enjoys this frustration. A part of you that relishes the hurt. A part that just doesn't want to give up in spite of very sound argument against it. And that is annoying too.

I guess its just a matter of the head over the heart or vice versa. And maybe all of this means that I'm terribly weak or maybe that I'm incredibly strong. I can't really tell the difference. And I don't know which one sucks more. But the self-destructive trait is perhaps a little too ingrained. Or maybe its self preservation. I don't really know.

And I'll stop with the vagueness here.

PS: Yes, I know. You're thinking 'Random post off the internet. There seem to be a lot many of them around'.